A hairy dilemma after a desperate text from a old lover

Yesterday I received a text from an old lover. Not just any old lover, the love of my life, the man to who I wanted to be wife and HWMNBMEWABCII*.
It said “I jus remmembered (sic) your hair in the plughole in the mornning (sic)”. That was it, 11 little words, to make up a cryptic, badly spelt fragment from his young, illiterate mind. My heart soared, those few words were enough for all my feelings to come flooding back.
What can he mean by this? Is he looking for a reconciliation? The last I heard he was making his money as a professional gigolo to female MPs desperately trying to find a sneaky new way to spend their expenses. Not second homes, but second lovers disguised as male PAs. Always take a second look at those “politically correct” members making use of the equal opportunity law, there‘s skeletons in those closets. The last text I got from him was over a year ago and I don’t think it was for me, unless I had requested 20 photocopies of his backside immediately. I hadn’t.
But now, to message me out of the blue with such a clear sign that he missed me, well I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it all morning. It has clear taken my mind off waiting for the pasty magnate to call and set up our date.
I need to think of an answer for him but I can’t do that without seeking advice first.
I asked my new BFF about it while I took Fluffles - my fav guinea pig - for her regular pedicure. She is very wise, Anita not Fluffles - who is wise in a different way. I think that’s what comes when you convene with animals daily. We came to the conclusion that HWMNBNEWABCII is finding our separation a terrible wrench. He always loved my long flowing locks and their absence from the plughole expresses the gaping hole in his life now that I am gone. This is why I like Anita, she knows how to make sense of it all and it is so worth my fortnightly trip to Kent to visit her. I often think that the people I pay end up being more reliable and friendly than my so-called friends.
The message has given me a real boost and I’m feeling quite confident that 2010 could be my year. I mean I could be carrying out a sexy reunion with my ex a la Meryl Street in It’s Complicated while simultaneously planning a wedding with the Greggs’ heir - as long as he doesn’t have the same new face as Steve Martin.
Anita says this couldn’t happen to a nicer person - she is so sweet to say these things as I am handing her a tip.
I called my publisher to update her on the latest developments in the story. She didn’t answer so I told it all to her answer phone, which is a much nicer experience as her voice is very high pitched and grates on me so.
Now all that’s left is to think of a suitably sexy, yet nonchalant reply. Hmmm plugholes and hair - I don’t think SJP had to deal with this literary dilemma but I’m sure I can manage it.
As a feminist icon to women across the world and a confidant for celebrities and role model to many on how to survive on a handful of blanched almonds a day and only a sniff of chocolate, I don’t mind sharing this all with you. Just so you know how to handle it if you are ever lucky for an ex lover to come crawling back into your life.
I had it, a perfect test to take the temperature of the water.
Quick as a flash I texted him back, “I still have the house keys (NB I gave him a house in the break up) I can come in and leave a reminder for you one day! : )”
I know what you’re all thinking, “You’re a intelligent, rich and fabulous woman, why the smiley face?” Well it is code between me and him, because of his youth I think he appreciates it when talk his language.
So now I have to keep an eye on my phone this week for any exciting responses, I have cut a lock of my hair and put it in the cupboard until I get the ok.


*He Who Must Not Be Named Except When A Book Contract Is Involved

Next week: I’ll be avoiding the calls from the tabloids after they somehow discovered that John Terry and I had a moment in a VIP toilet - I really don’t know who tells them all these things